May we today learn to “reread the language of the body” in the light of the full truth of the human person revealed in Christ.

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BEFORE you even think about that wedding date, have you honestly spent time preparing each other for a “stay till the end” journey of your lives?

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It  takes more than two to make a marriage work!  In-laws do count!

Get closer to God with gift of marriages.

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Love is about giving. In a genuinely loving relationship, two people become a gift and a blessing to each other. This, however, is only possible when we are free from the compulsion to take from and to possess the other (West, 2004).

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Through marriage and family life, God unites himself in a special way to each of us, for God Himself labored with human hands and loved with a human heart.

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We learn things to share with others. Hopefully, my sharing would be a learning experience for everybody.

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Yes these mythical families do exist. In fact, I’ve just met two of them (sets of families that is). And I would like you to meet them too. Don’t worry, they won’t bite.

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This article has been slightly edited from the one written by Sr Janet Fearns found in the UK Bishop’s Conference Day for Life 2009 Campaign to raise awareness of the problem of suicide. More resources can be found at www.dayforlife.org   

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For 28 years, Ligaya Acosta was an avid promoter of contraceptives and sterilisation with the department of health in the Philippines. Her life changed however, when she was designated as Programme Manager for Natural Family Planning in early 2004, which led her to discover the deadly deception of contraceptives and the harm it is causing to numerous families. Now Executive director of Human Life International Asia Pacific, the largest international, pro-life, pro family, pro-woman organisation in the world. Having completed a short speaking tour in Singapore, she shares with Nick Chui her thoughts on promoting strong marriages.

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Adrian Lim Peng Ann is passionate about fathering and its impact on the lives of children. A husband and father of two young sons, he is a Registered Counselling Psychologist, Registered Social Worker and Registered Counsellor, and was recently featured on MediaCorp Radio 938LIVE’s The Living Room on 19 June 2009. During the radio interview, he shared with listeners insights from his doctoral thesis to NUS Social Work Department entitled “Men’s Transition to Fatherhood.”

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Conversion stories are always a testament to the reality of God’s grace. Nick Chui interviews Dr. Peter Chew a Singaporean Obstetrician and Gynecologist at Gleneagles Medical centre who agreed to share his story.

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Has a good marriage more to do with commitment than compatibility?  When contemplating marriage, did you go forth because you thought you and your future life partner were very much alike?  Or did you recognise both of you were different yet were willing to make your relationship work, at all costs?

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What is homosexuality?

Homosexuality may be broadly defined as one who, by preference, is erotically attracted to members of the same sex and who usually, but not necessarily, has sexual relations with them. Female homosexuality also includes women whose sexual and emotional needs are fulfilled by women. These emotional and relational longings are the obvious differences between female and male homosexuals.

How does homosexuality relate to natural law?

Some laws are basic and fundamental to human nature and are discoverable by human reason without reference to specific legislative enactments or judicial decisions. Natural law is opposed to positive law, which is human-made, conditioned by history, and subject to continuous change.

How does natural law theory apply to us as human beings?
Our basic ethical intuition tells us that certain behaviors are inherently wrong because they are unnatural. For example, we perceive that the natural sex partner of a human is another human, not an animal. In the same reasoning, the natural sex partner for a man is a woman, and the natural sex partner for a woman is a man.

Is it possible to be “born gay”?

Many homosexuals insist that science has shown that homosexuality is inborn and is a genetic trait that cannot be changed, making homosexual behavior natural for them. Their belief is based on a handful of research studies conducted in the 1990s. However, none of these studies has ever been replicated, which means that they were never corroborated. These studies were eventually deemed inconclusive as the methodologies used were unsound or even misrepresented.

Is homosexuality nurtured instead?

Something that is not chosen does not mean that it is inborn. Some desires can be acquired or strengthened by habituation and conditioning instead of by conscious choice. For example, a person does not choose to be an alcoholic in the first place but excessive alcohol consumption and repeated intoxication results in one becoming an alcoholic. The desire to consume alcohol thus becomes an unconscious need. In the same way, by engaging in homosexual thoughts or behavior, an individual may acquire homosexual desires without consciously choosing them.

If homosexuality is not inborn, how does one develop its tendencies?

At best, the argument for being “born gay” suggests that individuals are predisposed to genetic, prenatal hormonal influences or other physical or brain differences, making them vulnerable to the environmental factors that can elicit homosexual desires. Such predisposition is largely correlational and not linked to genetics. For example, a tall person could be suited to play basketball since height correlates with playing basketball, but then there is no “basketball-playing gene”.

Interestingly, the evidence gathered from the opposing studies strongly indicates that the environment is more likely the dominant factor to have produced homosexual desires. Homosexual identity is shaped by other factors, such as family dynamics and relationships with parents and peers.

An extremely shy and artistic young boy who lacks masculine gender affirmation from his father could end up with an insecure gender identity. This might make him crave for male affirmation, inevitably becoming a target of seduction into homosexuality. Similarly, a girl who doesn’t fit into the classic gender profile, needs feminine affirmation, might be targeted by lesbians who play upon the girl’s emotional needs.

Are same-sex attractions preventable?

During the critical growing up years, if the emotional and developmental needs of a child are properly met by both family and peers, the development of same-sex attraction is very unlikely. Children need affection, praise and acceptance by each parent, by siblings and by peers. However, such social and family situations are not always easily established and the needs of children are not always readily identifiable, thus these pose challenges in the prevention of homosexual tendencies.

Can a homosexual change his/her sexual orientation?

Overcoming homosexuality from early adulthood is clearly possible and the treatment has been proven with significant results. Experienced therapists can help individuals uncover and understand the root causes of the emotional trauma which gave rise to these same-sex attractions and then work in therapy to resolve this pain.

Men experiencing same-sex attractions often discover how their masculine identity was negatively affected by feelings of rejection from their fathers or peers or from a poor body image which result in sadness, anger and insecurity. As this emotional pain is healed in therapy, the masculine identity is strengthened and same sex attractions diminish.

Women with same sex attractions can come to see how conflicts with fathers or other significant males led them to mistrust of male love or how lack of maternal affection led to a deep longing for female love. Insight into causes of anger and sadness will hopefully lead to forgiveness and freedom. All this takes time. Individuals suffering from same-sex attraction are no different than the many other men and women who have emotional pain and need to learn how to forgive.

How does therapy help a Catholic suffering from same-sex attraction?

For a Catholic with same-sex attraction, the goal of therapy should be freedom to live chastely according to one’s state in life. Some of those who have struggled with same-sex attractions believe that they are called to a celibate life. They should not be made to feel that they have failed to achieve freedom, because they do not experience desires for the opposite sex. Others wish to marry and have children. There is every reason to hope that many will be able, in time, to achieve this goal. They should not, however, be encouraged to rush into marriage, since there is ample evidence that marriage is not a cure for same-sex attractions. With the power of grace, the sacraments, support from the community, and an experienced therapist, a determined individual should be able to achieve the inner freedom promised by Christ.

Dear Mother-to-be,

“You may never know if your child will be happy with the adoptive family. But know this, at the very least, he or she will always be a wanted child.”

If you became pregnant by accident and find yourself burdened by it, this letter is written especially to you. You are in a difficult situation and may be feeling confused and frightened. Perhaps you feel that no one understands and you feel very alone. I hope that, one day, you will realise that you aren’t really alone.

For a start, I would like to share my story with you in the hope that it will offer you another perspective. Life is hard sometimes, isn’t it? We struggle to get a job, to keep it, to maintain relationships with people we care for, as well as with people we don’t give a hoot about.

Some people say the struggle is worth it for those things that one holds important. For me, this includes being a mother. Perhaps I thought a child would ease the loneliness. In our 10 years of marriage, my husband and I - we’re very different in character - had a difficult time together. Month after month, we tried. When my period came, this evidence of our inability was almost unbearable. I would cry helplessly.

Perhaps my story is no different from others like me. I did everything I could: read endless books on fertility, subjected my body to all kinds of medical treatment, anything that might help. I spent close to $10,000 on a series of endometrosis-related operations, nearly 10 cycles of fertility pills, daily injections of drugs, and rounds of scans. I even changed doctors twice, thinking that I knew more than some of these qualified professionals on the subject. I guess I wasn’t thinking too clearly at the time. I began to avoid places where families congregated. I was miserable.

In January 2000, my initially reluctant husband agreed to go with me to see an adoption lawyer. Despite our problems, I felt each of us had the capacity to love someone else’s kid as much as our own. We were about to confirm a trip to China when a friend called out of the blue about a Singapore adoption case. A woman in her last trimester wanted to give away her baby as it would be born out of wedlock. I was hopeful. A Singaporean baby was a better option than China and we decided to go for it.

However, after giving birth, the mother changed her mind and decided to keep her baby. We were devastated as this meant we had to start all over again. Several months passed. One day, my sister-in-law said she knew of someone who could help. I was sceptical as we were not in the queue and the chances of getting a Singapore baby were very slim. As it happened, after a series of extraordinary coincidences and through a long chain of contacts, we received news. A pregnant Singaporean woman, in her last trimester, faced the prospect of divorce and life as a single mother to several children. And thus, this stranger made the difficult and courageous decision to give up her new child. Having been burnt once, however, I did not dare hope that this case would go through.

But one eventful day, Serene was born and given over to us, a healthy and normal baby. This was a special “package” that we drove excitedly to the hospital to collect. Since then, things have gone incredibly smoothly. When I think back to how it all happened, I marvel at how God works. Of how the news finally reached our ears through an incredible network of near misses. Our baby is such a joy to us. And I am finally a mother. Part of what makes her so precious is that we’re always aware of our great responsibility towards her: it was us who knowingly went out to bring her into our lives.
I believe Serene’s birth mother showed phenomenal courage in choosing not to abort her child. By giving her a chance at life, she also gave her a chance to bear a name and identity. A chance to give joy to those unable to have children.

Each year, thousands of women in a difficult situation choose to terminate their pregnancy. Some do so because of financial problems. Others cannot cope with the demands of having yet another mouth to feed. Like the 5,000 unwed mothers who choose to end their pregnancy in Singapore every year, it is very likely you may take this common and convenient route. The route to death.

In your hands lies a powerful choice. It’s not an easy thing to contemplate: carrying your child to full-term and then giving him or her away. You may never know if your child will be happy with the adoptive family. But know this, at the very least, he or she will always be a wanted child. By choosing to allow your baby its right to live, you will be giving the greatest of gifts.

Serene is a beautiful and spirited child. At 15 months, she already speaks in short sentences and demands to be heard. She is intelligent, always has an opinion, and acts like a big sister to our family dog, telling Max not to cry if he whimpers. Her parents and grandparents run rings around this little dynamo in an effort to earn her approval. Yes, we’re huge fans of hers.

One day, when she is old enough to understand, I will tell her it is her birth mother who has the greatest love for her. Despite her own trying circumstances, she made her choice, and in the process, gave love and hope to others whose lives she touched.

God bless you,
Mrs Terina Boon
*The names in this letter have been changed in the interest of privacy.

Zachery’s Story, by “Noel and Lorraine”

<Noel>
Today, we are all gathered together for this mass to pray for the sanctity of life. When we were first approached to share with you our story about Zach, our son, we were a bit apprehensive, Nonetheless, Lorraine and I decided to do this, as we strongly believe that children are gifts from God.

With that, we would like to share our story -

Lorraine was pregnant with our second child, and went for her routine check up just like any other pregnant woman. In her 4th month, our gynae was a little worried - he said that our baby had an abnormal looking head shape. As he said that these cases were rare - he referred us to the Ante Natal Diagnostics Centre at NUH. There, we were told that it was too early to tell if our little baby was alright - whether he was normal. The doctor first said that he could have a “variant shaped” head, but to be sure he asked Lorraine to return for a check up around the 23rd week or so.

<Lorraine>
I remember that day vividly - It was Maundy Thursday, 2001; I went for my check up hoping for the best. The doctors scanned me for over 2 hours. I was hardly prepared for what they had to tell me. The scans showed many abnormalities. Our baby had fused skulls, bulging eyeballs, a retruded mid face, plus mitten fingers. He also looked like he had extra toes on his feet. BUT the doctors could not really confirm what he suffered from. Different doctors scanned me, and finally one of the doctors said that he had Carpenters Syndrome. The doctors could not tell us what to expect or how serious his condition was - they could not confirm if he would be able to walk, if he would be brain damaged or mentally disabled, or whether he would be mildly affected.

As we were supposed to leave for a holiday on Holy Saturday, the doctors only had one main concern - Did we want to terminate the pregnancy - because if we wanted to, we had to get it done quickly as otherwise, I would have passed the legal limit.

All sorts of raced through my mind - but my immediate reaction was - no, we are Catholics, and we cannot abort this child. Nonetheless, I cried as I drove home - not knowing what to do or what to expect - I kept hoping that it was a bad dream and that I would awake from it.

<Noel>
I was stunned when I called Lorraine to find out about the check up. She was crying so much that I had difficulty understanding her. I tried to be the brave one and kept reassuring her that everything would be ok.

We kept praying that the doctors made a mistake, that they read the scans wrongly, that somehow our little boy was normal. We decided to go off for our trip to Perth. There we decided to seek a second opinion - We were still hopeful that things would be different.

However…. the results were the same - the doctors agreed that the scans revealed a lot of “abnormalities” - the Australian doctors agreed that our child could have Carpenter’s syndrome, which is a genetic defect, affecting the cranial facial development of the child. He would require long-term medical treatment and numerous surgeries throughout his lifetime. It was a rare condition.

<Lorraine>
It was just too much for us to accept. We thought that if we prayed fervently, God would answer our prayers, and make him normal. Both Emmanuel and I were scared, and worried and confused. The thought of going for an abortion crossed our minds many times. Why not ignore all the moral issues, and just abort - it was an easier and safer option. Then, we could just carry on with our lives and not have to deal with such a child.

Emmanuel and I discussed the issues and how we felt. We made a decision to continue. What kept us going - the faith that if God wanted to give us such a child, he will also give us the means and the strength to go through with the pregnancy, and he will be there for us as we raise our little boy. We decided then to call him Zachary - remembered by God.

<Noel>
Between the 6th month and the birth, Lorraine had to undergo numerous check ups, almost every week - as the doctors had to monitor Zach very closely. We went from doctor to doctor, to see various specialists who dealt with cranial facial conditions. From Carpenter’s syndrome, they diagnosed his as Pfifer’s and finally Apert’s. We came to the Novena to pray to our Mother Mary and asked her to make Zach normal, or if not, to give us the strength to have the baby, love him and care for him.

Looking back, we are sure that one of the main things that kept us going was our faith and our prayers, and of course the prayers and encouragement from everyone around us.

<Lorraine>
The day came to deliver Zach by C-section. I went through an epidural c-section as I wanted to be awake for Zach’s birth. Even the night before, I remember praying to God and our dear Mother - “Please make Zach normal.”

Emmanuel was with me in the delivery room. By then, we had all the other doctors (the brain surgeon, the plastics surgeon) already on stand by in case Zach needed emergency operation. It was very strange - although I was a nervous wreck quite often before the delivery, I somehow felt a strange inner peace as I gave birth to Zach. I asked Emmanuel, at the time of delivery, whether he was normal, and he said “yes” - he has five fingers and toes - he said. Before I could get a good look at Zach, they took him to the ICU and then to the High Dependency to monitor him and run a series of checks.

As soon as I recovered from the effects of the epidural, I went to see my special child. My heart just melted as I held him in my arms. He was breathing heavily, noisily - he looked different - he had a protruding forehead, and bulging eyes, his skull was oddly shaped, his fingers and toes were fused. One elbow was fused. Even in spite of these, although I was scared, as I held Zach closely, and he slept soundly in my arms, I somehow knew that we had done the right thing. Zach was our precious little boy. I remember someone saying, “Only special parents are chosen for such kids”.

<Noel>
Our only concern was how much suffering would he have to go through, and how will he cope? We were scared and worried, but we knew that God would show us the way.

Since his birth, Zach has come a long way - he has had 4 major operations, 2 for his skull, and another 2 to separate his fused fingers. The doctors looking after Zach has said that he has a long way to go until he turns 18. He will require multiple surgeries, as babies with Apert’s syndrome require long term medical care.

Although we were worried - Because of the love around us and the amount of love showered Zach, we have managed to come this far. We have tremendous and loving support from everyone around us. Our parents, Jordan, our daughter, our relatives and friends - everyone who knew us, or even people who did not know us, but got to know us accepted Zach with open arms and with lots of love - No one had negative thoughts or words - and people felt that he was simply a cute little baby.

<Lorraine>
Zach is definitely a blessing - through him we got to really experience love, love of God, our parents, relatives, and friends, and the goodness of people. We are learning to trust in God without questioning, and just believe that He will be there for us each step of the way.

God has indeed been with Zach. He is such a lovely beautiful child. He is always smiling and happy. He has been through so much - but it is amazing how he takes everything as part of life - Zach is a resilient child and has always been blessed with speedy recoveries.

<Noel>
Just looking at him, it is hard to believe that he has been through so much. If we had made the decision to abort Zach, it would have been OUR loss. We would not have had the chance to look after and love this sweet and loving cheeky little boy. He remains a source of hope and inspiration to a lot of people around him, and we believe that he is part of God’s plan. God will never give you a cross, which you cannot carry.

Although we feel pain for Zach as we see him go through his surgeries, he always amazes us with his attitude and his zest for life. We can truly say that we have no regrets whatsoever in making that decision to have Zach. He is our child, and a gift from God, which we love deeply.

Every youth should have a real life good Catholic role model whom they can emulate. They can be inspired by Mother Mary, the saints, the Holy Father, that’s very good. But it would be wonderful if they know real flesh and blood people who are well-adjusted people living a joyful Christian life.

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1. What is IVF ?

IVF stands for “in-vitro fertilization” and consists in putting spermatocytes (sperm from the male) in contact with oocytes (ovum from the female) inside a test tube to facilitate fertilization. The fertilized ovum or zygote (an embryo) is then transfered to the uterus where they continue their normal development.

2. How is this carried out?

The sperm is usually obtained from the man by masturbation while the oocytes are from the mother or a donor by puncture of the ovary.

3. Why is it wrong?

Several moral principles are violated with IVF:
(I) If the donors are not married to each other (as in a heterologous artificial insemination & fertilization i.e. a donor other than the married couple), it infringe’s the child’s right to be born of parents known to him and bound to each other in marriage.

(II) If only the married couple in involved, the procreative act (in the creatiion of the baby) is disassociated from the act of sexual intercourse of the parents. Thus the unitive & procreative significance of the marital act is separated and the child is not the fruit of the sexual union but rather of a technological process. This is against the dignity of the child who is now merely the product of such a process. The child has a right to be the fruit of the marital act of the love between his parents.

(III) As usually 1 to 4 embryoes are transferred to the uterus to improve the posibility of pregnancy, a large number of embryos must be produced to proceed with IVF. The unused enbryos are then ultimately either discarded or donated for destructive research, both of which involes the killing of the embryos. As the embryos are undoubtedly innocent human lives, (we all started our lives as embryos), their delibrate killing violates the embryo’s (the child’s) right to life.

(IV) The freezing of the spare embryos constitutes an offence against the respect due to human beings by exposing them to the grave risks of health or harm to their physical integrity.

(V) Obtaining semen (sperm) by masturbation is morally illicit. Why masturbation is intrinsically disordered.

4. When is fertility treatment morally licit??

So called “improper” artificial insemination is licit (in the following techniques) whereby they merely facilitate and not substitute the conjugal act. Viz. dilation of the uterine cervix, collection of the semen found in the vaginal recess and its ulterior reintroduction into the uterus - so that sexual union can result in pregnancy.

Ref: New Moral Treatment

5. What moral options are there for married infertile couples then?

The Gospel shows that physical sterility is not an absolute evil. Spouses who suffer from infertility after exhausting legitimate medical procedures should unite themselves with the Lord’s sufferings. They can give expression to their generosity through the adoption of children or live out their parental instinct by having “spiritual” children, by caring and loving for others in a deeper way. A child is always a gift and not a right, and respecting it as gift means we do not have a right to demand to have a child by any means.

6. Is the Church insensitive to the needs such couples?

No, as the Church is both mother & teacher to all her members, she acts in a way that is in the best interest for all in the light of the Gospel values and the moral laws of God. These involves the dignity of the unborn child, his right to life, and to be “begotten” by his parents’ mutually self giving love in the marital act and not “made” by a technological process. The Church also recognizes the meritorious and redemptive value of human suffering of the infertile couple and challenges them to a more supernatural vision of their parental calling.

The door opens and a slightly anxious and sullen faced middle aged couple walks into the counselor’s room.

“Good morning Mr. & Mrs Tan, hope you did not have much difficulty finding the way here,” said the counselor as cheerily as
possible.

“No problem at all” said Mrs Tan. Her husband offered a weak smile.

As they settled into their seats, the counsellor, to break the ice and to find out a little bit more about Mr and Mrs Tan got the conversation
going.

“If you could share, any one of you could start first, how you hope this session could help.”

“Well its like this”, Mrs Tan was quick to reply. I am having problems communicating with him. It’s really not the same anymore…

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Not to long ago, The Straits Times featured a lovely story of Mr & Mrs Ratty who celebrated 72 years of married life. Yet on the very same day, an article reported on the rising number of date violence among teens and how what began as romantic bliss descended into bouts of abuse and even threats to life. In such confusing times, are there any “laws of happiness?” Or is a happy family and married life down to chance? We ask Dr. Tracey Rowland for her insights…

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